By Christiana Paradis (she/her), Director of Title IX Compliance and Amir Rabiyah El-Chidiac (they/them), Research & Instruction Librarian, Assistant Professor, Title IX Respondent Services Coordinator
A friend comes to you and discloses that they have been accused of harming someone on campus. What do you do?
The decision of whether to remain close to a friend or family member that has committed harm is challenging. There may be outside pressure from peers to cut the individual out of your life or publicly let others know what they did. There may also be an impulse to doubt the allegations and side with the accused individual.
Perhaps we’ve spent years investing in a relationship with a friend or family member. We believe we know everything about them. We trust them and then we find out information that alters everything we believe. We can’t understand how the person we cared about, leaned on and trusted could also be the same person who has harmed someone else. We often struggle to wrap our minds around this knowledge because all our experiences and all the evidence our brain has ever processed are contrary to this new narrative. Merging these two narratives of the same person can be painful, emotionally difficult, and takes time. But it is critically important to recognize that these two narratives can be true at the same time.
An additional layer of processing may also be questioning your own morals, values, and character. We consider ourselves to be generally good people who let other good people into our circles. When we find out that someone may have acted in a way that is contrary to that, it can make us question our ability to judge other’s character and even our own morals and beliefs. You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior.
Moving forward, you have the right to take time and figure out how you feel. It is also critically important to stay open to the facts at hand, even if they are tough to believe or challenge what you thought you knew (Keifer, 2018). While your first response might be how can this be true? It does not give you permission to presume the other person is lying and act in a way that promotes victim blaming or retaliation. Finally, you will need to give serious thought about how you need to move forward—or not—in the relationship. This is a personal decision and one that only you can make for yourself.
Don’t hesitate to utilize resources on campus such as Counseling and Psychological Services, the VIP Center, and the Title IX Office to help you process.
As always, if you are aware of a situation of harm that occurred on campus, we encourage you to report it and connect the person who has been harmed to support, using this link.
